My Pain

There is no doubt I have been suffering excruciating pain for last one year or so. My pain has got reflected in the open letters and some of the other blogs posted earlier. It is true that it was my own choice that I allowed myself to be the guinea-pig in an attempt to save thousands of crores of public money year after year. The pain is not that my personal well being as well as well being of my family remains seriously compromised under victimization by the establishment. That would have been too small a cost if thousands of crores of public money were saved and utilized for the welfare of the poor. That is how I felt and thought in my belligerent mood. I had felt that it would impart some real worth to my existence. I had desired for myself just to be able to survive decently while working as would be professionally correct. But alas! that was not to be.

The pain is that I have failed. The loot is continuing totally unabated. The pain is that the powerful establishment down below from the UPA chairperson to the PM, from the Minister for Railways to the Railway Board have not even bothered to think of necessary policy changes, let alone initiating those. The pain is that the 'good guys' who had set out to cleanse the procurement in Indian Railways and public procurement at large in India encompassing lakhs of crores of public money every year, and affect necessary corrections, have disintegrated as usual, having gone down as half hearted warriors. The pain is that the inefficacy of our political system, the acts of omission and commission by our top level bureaucrats, and the hypocrisy of our media stand thoroughly exposed through my example but no one is bothered. The pain is that the daylight continuous loot of such large amount of public money doesn't concern any parliamentarian or any activist of the civil society who are always taking pride in talking big. The pain is that a thoroughly corrupt people (for having accepted corruption and systemic absurdities as a way of life) headed by the fountain heads of corruption themselves are happy to pat themselves for persecuting a few unfortunate ones now and then for corruption. The pain is that the officers belonging to IRSS (a family I myself belong to) continue to accept and enjoy their existence as third rate citizens devoid of professional self respect, worse than that of a prostitute, out of fear or out of lure of the lucre. My pain is that inspite of having been well educated and professionally reasonably competent, I couldn't survive honorably in the system as I was not prepared to accept absurdities and compromise professional self respect.

To counter this pain there has been some solace. There is solace that some well meaning officers of Indian Railways, specially those belonging to consuming and accounts departments, might have become more aware through the efforts of 'The Statesman' and might act better in their limited capacity to save substantial public money in times to come. There has been solace that I didn't compromise my self respect whatever the cost be, while in job. There has been solace that for a few months I experienced a level of existence (when one sets out to sacrifice self for the larger interest of the people one loves, it is a different experience altogether) God must have reserved for the blessed ones. There is solace that I at least tried like the Yossarrian of Catch 22.